Comedy Roast of the Twilight Saga
by Major Dover111
Summary: Need a few laughs? Want to read about the adventures of The Cullens?   Major Dover, Voxy and Cordial Craig present "Comedy Roast of the Twilight Saga"
1. We Begin Thy Roasting

**Authors Note:** What do you get when you have two girls and one boy who are hopped up on Pepsi and popcorn and have access to the internet?  
**"Comedy Roast of The Twilight Saga"**  
ft. My good friends Voxy and Cordial Craig

So sit back and relax (real IM conversation)

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**Voxy:** _Bella Swan, This girl has the most awkwardish awkward faces I've ever seen. Its seriosuly like everytime you see her it's BAM awkward face. BAM awkward face BAM awkward face BAM Jizzz in my pants face._

**Major Dover:** _You know, I never got past how many times she blinked in the movies. I actually counted because I have no life apparently. __It was in the 90's. Like a commercial for "How many licks does it take to get to the center of the Toostie pop"to "How many blinks does it take for Bella to look like retarded ADD patient" I bet you she just blinks so much because it's a force of habit now, going out with Edward. You know, because he is so shiny and sparkle it probably hurts her eyes and she has to blink alot._

**Voxy:** _True. Did Stephenie Meyer actually ever mention why Edward sparkeled like a bitch in the first place? I mean he's basically a human disco ball. The Cullens probably sell him out to local clubs where they tie him up to the ceiling and shine a light on him. Instant Sparkles!_

**Cordial Craig:** _It astounds me how many chicks dig Edward. He is a pale albino rhino. And he took the brakes out in her car, if I did that to my girlfriend 'she would bitch slap me. But Bella is like "Oh, Edward your controlling nature turns me on...lets f*ck"._

**Major Dover: **_If only it were that easy for Bella to seduce Edward. He is like "No, Bella, NOT UNTIL WE ARE MARRIED CAN I RAVISH YOUR PALE AWKWARD BODY, darling, please remove your hand from my gentitals" He is the 40 year old virgin times like 8. I bet you he actually had a chasity belt way back when, with a lock and key. "This key is only meant for my true love, it's a token of what will happen on my wedding night, No Emmett, __I won't just hit it and quit it with Tanya,"_

**Cordial Craig:** _Emmett is the only sparklepire I really like. He's like a boss at everything. He plays video games and doesn't take Edwards emo bullsh*t. When Edward is playing a lovely melody on his piano, Emmett is blasting "Baby Got Back" from the other room._

**Voxy:** _I bet you Emmett went through a phase where he thought Edward was gay. I could see him trying to talk to talk to Edward about it "Bro, it's ok if you like guys, lot's of famous people are gay, like Elton John and sh*t" Edward is abosultely digusted at this "I AM NOT GAY EMMETT, I JUSTHAVEN'T FOUND MY TRUE LOVE YET"_

**Cordial Craig:** _Emmett isn't convinced, he secertle places like Cosmopoltion around the house, seeing if Edward picks them up. "I just read them for the articles Emmett, do no think in that dirty mind of yours that I am taking fashion advice from Jessica Biel"_

**Voxy:** _Emmett probably had to have "The Talk" with Edward too. He probably showed him pictures of the male and female reproductive parts. "Ok Edward, this is called a cervex, this is used for pushing out little babies" Edward is not amused. __"Oh my lord Emmett, do you not think I don't know what a womens secret place looks like? Because I do, I watch Sex and the City"_

**Major Dover:** _You can tell that Emmett and Edward fight the most, but I bet you when Edward gets too unbearable, Jasper f*cks with his emotions. Like when Edward is looking at a picture of Orlando Bloom on the internet or something, Jasper shoots waves of lust at him. __Edward is probably having a war inside his head like "Oh my, why am so suddenly turned on by this picture of a shirtless Orland Bloom? Could Emmett be right? Am I gay? I must know now, Perhaps I shall talk to Carisle about this"_

** Voxy: **_He talks to Carisle and goes in depth about his feelings and such only to find out Jasper was screwing with his emotions. He is livid._

**Cordial Craig:** _"Japser, I expected this level of immaturity from Emmett, but certianly not from you, you should be ashamed!" __and Jasper just shrugs it off like "Eh" and walks away._

**Major Dover:** _Edward proably has like the most insane collection of emo CD's, he arranges them by the number of times they have made him cry._

**Cordial Craig:** _Snow Patrol, Owl City, Josh Groban, elton John, Secondhand Senerade, stuff like that_

**Voxy:** _He probably cries tearless sobs when listening to "Chasing Cars"...He is like "Oh, such emotion in this song. SUCH EMOTION, So beautiful, if only I had someone to share this song with"_

**Cordial Craig: **_Emmett is probably down stairs naked, playing Runescape "Shut that crap off Edward, seriously, I need to pwn these level 5 noobs"_

**Voxy: **_You know Rosalie proably lays there naked sometimes, just to see if it would get Emmetts attention._

**Major Dover:** _He doesn't notice, he is too busy fighting with a feisty little level 1 f*cker to notice. He proably yells random things out loud too. Just in the middle of a comfortable silence you hear "Oh, that sh*t is weak, that sh*t is weak, that all you got little b*tchboy, go back to the noob fortess you asstit" Silence again._

**Voxy:** _I wonder how Emmett and the family got through Edwards depression after they left Forks, i mean he was proably all moddy and sh*t,listening to Nickleback, sobbing into his hankercheif_

**Cordial Craig:** _They had to listen to him moan "Oh...Bella...oh my Bella...where are thou Bella...my heart is bare and black, my soul has shattered in two" all the way to wherever they were going._

**Major Dover: **_Well Bellas blood smelled like Freesia, which smells like fruit loops, so he probably bought a box of fruit loops and sniffed it like a crackhead._

**Voxy: **_Haha I see could him cuddling with it, he probably pasted Bellas face on it and talks to it "shhshshsh...It's ok my love, i'm here with you shhshshsshshshhhh..."_

**Major Dover:** _Emmett walks in on him sniffing the bag of fruit loops, he is like "The f*ck Edward, that's not how you solve your love problems man" and then he tosses Edward a playboy "whack away Edward, whack away"_

**Cordial Craig:** _You know Bella was probably worse during her depression, she probably bought like a sh*t ton of glitter pens and drew all over her pillow with them. Drawing a smiley face with fangs, she probably made out with it too._

**Voxy:** _Oh, imagine what she wrote Alice during that time..she probably started off with "Oh Alice I'm so sad you guys left. i miss you all so much, without you it's like my second family left"_

**Cordial Craig: **_Yea after a wouple weeks of Alice not writing back Bella letters started to sound like "What the f*ck alice?, where the hell are you guys..seriously, I'm so damn serious, where the hell is Edweard, he isn't seeing another vampire is he? I swear to god if he is I will pull of his ice cold testicles and feed them to the rats!"_

**Voxy:** _I wonder if Bella just ever just sat in her refridgerator, pretending Edward was beside her._

**Major Dover:** _Her dad would open the fridge and Bella would yell "OMG dad, let me be in coldness and blackness by myself, can you not see I'm in pain?" Her dad just stands there for a second all concenered like "Yea, ok can you hand me a budlight while your in there?"_

**Cordial Craig: **_Edward would write like love notes to Bella but never send them, one would say" My dearest Bella, I was so in pain, i broke Emmetts stereo, and it reminded me of my broken heart"_

**Major Dover:** _Emmetts finds the letters and reads them to the family, oh Edward get all pissed._

**Cordial Craig:** _"You dirty little hamster, those are private Emmett, private!"_

**Voxy: **_"You cannot respect me Emmett, i must leave, since you cannot take my pain seriously"_

**Major Dover:** _Emmett is like 'Here bro, take my car, it's got like everything you need, rock Cds, porn, a number to a stripper named Candy"_

**Voxy:** _Edward stomps away like a bitch. "Goodbye, i hope you all have a good life"_

**Cordial Craig:** _and the Cullens throw a party after he leaves._

**Voxy: **_You know as Edward drives away he sings "The Reason" by Hoobstank, it reminds him of Bella. through tearless grunting sobs you hear "I just want you to know, I found reason for me, to change who i use to be, a reason to start over new, __AND THE REASON IS YOU!" People probably toss rotten tomatoes at him as he drives past belting out the lyrics._

**Major Dover:** _and Bella is back in Forks, with her glitter pens, drawing all over herself, singing some Faith Hill sh*t_

**Cordial Craig:** _I never got why she just didn't bang that wolf boy, it woulda helped her depression_

**Major Dover:** _Haha. Whenever I see Jacob he is all like "Check out my bazillion ab muscles"_

**Voxy:** _The pack uses Jacobs abs as a cheese grater._

**Cordial Craig:** D_id either of you two notice at the end of New Moon when Edward is going to committ suicide, his left nipple is bigger than his right?_

**Major Dover:** _Do you think Edward was ever into the disco era? With the hippie headbands and bright green pants that rode up so high it made steve erkle jealous._

**Voxy: **_Edward was probably the Disco King, he tries to get the whole family to do a disco night_

**Cordial Craig:** _I can see Emmett getting pissy about that, "No, I'm not putting on those damn pants Edward, you may be gay, but I'm not"_

**Voxy:** _You know Emmett and Jasper have loud sex to make Edward all pissy. Emmett would make comments like " I managed to lose everything but my socks, which stayed on all 6 times me and Rose had sex"_

**Major Dover:** _Emmett proably plays like KAty Perrys "Peacock" while him and Rosalie get it on. "what? It's got a good beat"_

**Voxy: **_Y__ou know random thought, Emmett probably gets Bella drunk because he thinks its funny._

**Major Dover:** _Oh my gosh, that is so true, she would be smashed, staggering into their kitchen yelling "OMG you have so many spoons!" and collaspe on the floor_

**Cordial Craig:** _Edward is not amused by this._

**Voxy;** _Oh yea, he gives Emmett the speech "Emmett, must you laugh at Bellas public drunkness, she is human, not your personal doll to get drunk and laugh at" all while Bella is trying to get off the floor in her drunken haze._

**Major Dover:** _Emmett probably felt bad so he sent Edward a diet pepsi and cigarettes, its the gay mans version of milk and bread._

**Voxy:** _Edward is like "I'm a vampire Emmett, I cannot eat nor drink these things you lay before me" Emmett just stands there expecting Edward to drink the Pepsi_.

**Cordial Craig:** _Bella doesn't remember anything from her drunken night, Emmett just told her that she kept petting Edward ears and saying he wasn't one of the guys_

**Voxy:** _Does it bother any of you that Edward climbs in Bellas window and watches her sleep?_

**Cordial Craig:** _Nah my Uncle Billy use to do that. He got arrested for sexual molesting that next week._

**Major Dover:** _Edward is Herbert the Pervert_

**Voxy:**_ Chester the Molester_

**Cordial Craig:** _And of course, Kyle the Pedophile_

**Voxy: **_This reminds me of that Comedy Centrel Roast of bob saget, except for we are bashing Twilight._

**Major Dover: **_Twilight is the epic version of Bob Saget_

**Cordial Craig: **_Purlease, Bob Saget was on Full House, If Twilight was that, Jacob woulda fallen in love with poor little Michelle Tanner_

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We have more conversations! I know you are excited. Look for the next segement soon

dont forget to check out my recaps of Twilight and New Moon

cia~


	2. Pedowolf

Ah, late night convos about Twilight

Comedy Roast of the Twilight Saga presents part 2

ft. my best friends, Voxy and Cordial Craig

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**Voxy:**_ Shall we discuss the Pedowolf, i mean seriously, who falls in love with vampire spawn baby?_

**Major Dover:** _That sh*t is only suppose to be on HBO at night, not in a childrens book._

**Voxy: **_Its quite disturbing. Imagine Jacobs thoughts when the demon spawn becomes of age, he thinks nasty things_

**Cordial Craig:** _Yea Edward is sitting there, reading a newspaper, being an old grouchy bitch, when he starts to hear Pedowolf picturing his daughter naked_

**Voxy:** _Revolting. I bet Edward goes apesh*t too, like "Jacob, could you please not think of my beautiful perfect daughter that way, techinally she is only seven, even though she looks 18"_

**Major Dover: **_"Yes, Jacob I know she looks of age, but shes still a child, I don't know why Jacob, ask Stephenie Meyer"_

**Voxy:** _You know Emmett just thinks this is hilarous. He gets LULZ out of it._

**Major Dover: **_Oh yea, he just sitting there watching Pedowolf make goo goo eyes at the demon spawn, while Edward looks murderous._

**Voxy:** _I bet you he provokes Edward even more like "Hey Edward, did you know that Jacob was touching Nessies boob today, lulz, guy doesn't even know how to grab one properly"_

**Cordial Craig:** _Yea him and Jasper constantly f*ck with Edward over Jacob and Nessie, they probably take pictures of Nessie and Jacob on dates and paste them all over Edwards room, and add captions like "Jacob is seen here, slipping Nessie the tongue"_

**Major Dover:** _It makes Edward so furious to the point he breaks like Emmetts favorite game, and then curses himself to hell for letting himself get out of control, then locks his self in his room as a punishment_

**Voxy:** _"I must punish myself, for I am a monster with no control, leave me to wallow in my darkness!"_

**Major Dover:** _Emmett just stands in the hallway like "Yo bro, I got a ton more games, come out, you've been in there for a week listening to that Owl City sh*t, it's starting to scare me"_

**Cordial Craig:** _He totally listens to Taylor Swifts when he is feeling all emo and sh*t_

**Voxy:** _"He is the reason for the teardrops on my guitarrrr!", Emmett is like "Dude, shut the hell up already! No one blames you"_

**Cordial Craig:** _You know, the only time he wasn't emo was when he "fell in love" with Bella_

**Major Dover:** _I could see him skipping home with rainbows,butterflies and unicorns surrounding him, "Lalalalalalalalalaalalalalala I'm in love, I'm in LOOVVVEEEEE!"_

**Voxy:** _He comes home and starts giving out like free hugs, Emmett and Jasper are like "dude, stay the f*ck away from me" and Rosalie just punches him in the balls_

**Cordial Craig:** _"Oh, my dear sweet loving family...and Emmett...I have finally found the one I want to spend the rest of my life with"_

**Voxy:** _Emmett just snickers "Buying a blow up doll doesn't count as finding your true love"_

**Major Dover:** Then Emmett and Jasper do a high five

**Voxy:** _Edward is too "in love" to care, he is like "Today, I will look past your immature deeds, Emmett, for I have found Gods greatest gift, in the form of Bella Swan..." and he just goes into a long epic love tangent speech_

**Major Dover:** _After 2 hours even Alice and Esme have to stop listening to him and kindly sneak out. Emmett left like...an hour and 55 minutes ago, Jasper left about 10 minutes after that._

**Cordial Craig:** _Rosalie didn't even bother staying she left as soon as Edward came in all happy and sh*t_

**Voxy: **_You know Esme,Alice and Carisle supported him about Bella, Rosalie and Jasper were agaisnt it and Emmett just really didn't care like "Bro, I'm glad you found a GIRL in all, but could you please stop belting out "Can you feel the love tonight" it's starting to scare away the local wildlife"_

**Major Dover:** _Haha, I can totally see him like screeching love songs as they hunt, and Emmett and Jasper are getting pissed because it's scaring away all the deer and bears and sh*t_

**Cordial Craig: **_"EDWARD! CAN YOU PLEASE STOP THAT HORRIBLE SOUND THAT IS COMING FROM YOUR MOUTH, IT IS DESTROYING MY EARS AND SCARING AWAY MY DAMN DINNER!" rraaggeee!_

**Major Dover:** _"EMMETT I AM IN LOVE! HOW CAN YOU NOT EXPECT ME TO SING OUT MY FEELINGS?"_

**Voxy:** _Jasper just stands there, f*cking with Edwards emotions to make him like depressed and emo again_

**Major Dover:** _"Jasper!, Do not think I do not know what you are doing!"_

**Cordial Dover:** _Then fed up with him, Emmett and Jasper tie Edward up to a tree with like steel chains and leave him there with duct tape on his mouth_

**Major Dover: **_Ha. I bet you that Emmett teased Edward about stalking Bella at night, watching her sleep_

**Voxy:** _"Listen Edward, your a vampire, not a pedophile, you can't go around sneaking into peoples window and watch them sleep, you know her dad is like a po po right?"_

**Major Dover: **_"Do not be so crude Emmett, I only go into her room because I find her sleeping fasinating"_

**Cordial Craig:** _"Bro, you can watch people sleep on TV, in real life, it's just f*cking creepy"_

**Voxy:**_ "It tis not creepy for a man in love to watch his dearest one slumber under the skies at night, it is romantic Emmett"_

**Major Dover:** _Edward go so fed up with Emmett calling him a pedo that he left in sobs and went to watch Bella take poop_

**Voxy:**_ Edward probably watches Bella do everything. Like shaving her armpit hair, taking a shower, plucking her eyebrows, stuff like that_

**Cordial Craig:** _He probably peeps in the window "Oh, Bella" he whispers to himself "so lovely the way you shave your body hair, such gentle strokes, you truly are a remarkable creature"_

**Voxy:** _When he comes come home from watching Bella, Emmett and Rosalie are having hot sex and making loud nosies to piss of Edward_

**Major Dover:** _"Do not think I cannot hear you Emmett, you sound like a sick walrus, it is not going to annoy me tonight since I have just watched a most beautiful creature sleep and dream"_

**Cordial Craig:** _And Emmett yells back "PEDOPHILE!" and resumes making loud walrus sex noises, like shaking the whole house_

**Major Dover:** _Edward stomps to his room and blares Snow Patrol and writes in his pink unicorn dairy. LULZ_

**Voxy:**_ "Dear Diary, today I watched Bella pluck her nose hairs, it made me cry, it was so beautiful"_

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Are you not entertained?

More LULZ in our next feature, till then, feel free to review, even if you hate it.

Cia~**Major Dover, Voxy & Cordial Craig **


	3. Viva La Glittertits!

Cordial Craig, Major Dover and Foxy present

Comedy Roast of the Twilight Saga part 3

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**Cordial Craig: **_So, the little imp, Alice, she has visions right? Well I wonder if she has visions of like peoples sex life_

**Voxy:** _What a disturblingly interesting thought. It's like "Ok, so today Emmett and Rosalie will have hardcore sex and break down Edwards wall"_

**Major Dover:** _Haha Edward is all pissed like "Why are Emmett and Rosalie making love in my room? Do they not have a room of there own?"_

**Voxy:** _Ha, yea, Edward totally calls it love making when all the others call it sex, or in Emmetts case "scrumdaliumptious F*cking"_

**Major Dover: **_"Oh my Emmett, must you use foul language?" Edward gets all prissy about Emmetts cussing_

**Cordial Craig:** _"Must you be so gay Eddie?"_

**Voxy: **_"DON'T CALL ME THAT! IT'S EDWARD, EDWWWAAARDDD! NOT EDDIE, DAMMIT EMMETT YOU ARE SO IMMATURE"_

**Major Dover:** _Then he covers his mouth, because he swore 'Oh no, oh no, I do hope I haven't offened any of you with my foul languege, Emmett just brings out the worst in me"_

**Voxy:**_ "I must go wash my mouth out with soap, No, Esme, i must, for I need to punish myself"_

**Major Dover: **_Edward goes into the bathroom and then all the other Cullens hear him screaming "Oh, it burns, IT BURNS, IT BURNS HOT ON MY TONGUE, IT IS WASHING AWAY THE FILTH IT HAS PRODUCED"_

**Cordial Craig:**_Jasper is like "Should someone go check on him?" as Edwards screams fill the house_

**Voxy:** _"Oh the burn in my mouth, it is cleaning away the sin, THE SIN!"_

**Cordial Craig:** _Pretty soon the nieghbors who live like 5 miles away come knocking and ask if there is a woman being murdered._

**Voxy:** _Oh dear, you know Edward is like an epic perfectionist too, stomping around the house all day, cleaning things that don't need to be cleaned_

**Major Dover:**_ "I must scrub every inch of this house, for it is filthy, so filthy"_

**Voxy: **_He owns like a red cleaning apron and wears it around, Emmett silently heckles him behind his back._

**Cordial Craig: **_"Emmett, I can read your mind, I know you are making jokes at my expenese, and could you please stop?"_

**Voxy:** _Emmett just burst out laughing and intentionally leaves his dirty clothes around the house_

**Major Dover:** _"Emmett! I have found yet another pair of your digusting socks, we are vampires Emmett, not dirty hogs, clean up after yourself"_

**Voxy:** _Emmett starts to leave his boxers around the house and just for good measure, puts like mud in them so it looks like skid marks_

**Cordial Craig:**_" YOU HAVE SOILED YOURSELF, AND LEFT IT WHERE IT COULD INFECT THE ENTIRE HOUSE, DO YOU WISH FOR YOUR FAMILY TO CATCH SALMAMONELLA? DO YOU?"_

**Major Dover: **_"Oh chill out bro, it's mud, see?" and then he puts some in his mouth_

**Voxy:** _Edward nearly faints at this "did...did...you just put that,,,,i-in your ...mouth?"_

**Cordial Craig:** _He then wipes some on Edwards face and shirt. Oh Eddie gets all sorts of pissed_

**Voxy:** _"This is a new shirt...h-how...how could you?...I don't even..."_

**Major Dover: **_He then calls for Esme "Mother, this is the last straw, he has wiped this gunk on me and has soiled his trousers, I AM THROUGH WITH HIM!"_

**Voxy:** _Edward then decides to leave for a week "I must get away from Emmett, he will be the death of me"_

**Cordial Craig:** _Emmett doesn't care "whatever bro, just so you know, when your gone, I'm going to use your room to practice my kung-fu"_

**Voxy**:_ Edward then proceeds to heavy duty lock his room with barb wire and steel chains and sh*t_

**Major Dover:** _He comes home in a week all refreshed "I am home!"_

**Voxy:** _Haha he goes into his room, nothing seems to be out place, and then Emmet comes in grinniNG like an idiot._

**Major Dover: **_"Hello Emmett, how are you brother? I hope you have matured over this past week" Emmett just nods and walks away. Then the other Cullens hear a scream from above_

**Voxy:** _"EMMETT! WHY HAVE YOU LABLED ALL MY CDS "GAY FAIRY MUSIC", AND DE-ALPHABITZED THEM?"_

**Cordial Craig:** _Emmett just falls over laughing, "Welcome home bro"_

**Voxy: **_Edward locks himself in his room and sobs, "OH, WHY MUST I PUT UP WITH EMMETTS SHENNIGANS?"_

**Major Dover:** _He comes out like 5 hours later, calmed down "Ok, I have decided to put this behind me Emmett, I am sorry I screamed at you"_

**Cordial Craig: **_Emmett isnt listening, he has headphones in singing "Your love is my drug" by Kesha_

**Major Dover:** _"Because your love, your love is my drug!" Edward just stands there like O.O_

**Voxy:** _He then proceeds to start "partying boying" Edward, who runs way in terror_

**Cordial Craig:** _you know Emmett sends Edward retarded text messages like "whattzz crackalackin bro, you still being a beoyootch?"_

**Voxy:** _Edward is all formal over text like "After deciperhing your text lingo, I am fine, and please do not use that word Emmett, it is a dirty word"_

**Major Dover:**_ Emmett just texts back "F*ck,sh*t,B*tch,assmonkey,titties,damn hippos," stuff like that_

**Cordial Craig_: _**_Imagine if Bella was in one of Emmetts classes, like Chemistry or something, I bet you he would mess with her so bad_

**Major Dover:** _"Hey ...you...Bella...are and my brother screwing yet? you know he is a virgin right? be gentle with him" and everyone would be staring at them_

**Cordial Craig:** _Bella would be like beet red, mumbling something no one can hear_

**Voxy:** _"HEY BELLA SWAN, CAN YOU HEAR ME? I SAID ARE AND MY BROTHER F*CKING YET? HE IS STILL A VIRGIN" he screams at her_

**Major Dover:** _The next everybody is laughing at Edward, "Emmett, why is everybody referring to me as the 40-year old virgin?"_

**Major Dover:** _Emmett would be like the greatest uncle in the world, the lochness monster is lucky to have him as one_

**Voxy:** _In a way I'm jealous of Nessie for having an Uncle Emmett..he would teach her so many life skills_

**Major Dover: **_"Ok Demon spawn, this is how you pwn noobs on Call of Duty"_

**Voxy:** _Edward gets all pissy, "I told you you Emmett, do not call her Demon Spawn!"_

**Cordial Craig:** _"Cmon Edward, your spawn needs to learn how to beat some nooblet ass"_

**Voxy:** _Edward is outraged "Do not use such filthy words infront of my daughter!"_

**Major Dover:** _Haha I bet you the spawn owns Emmett at a video game and Emmett is like all pissed off_

**Voxy:**_ "Edward, I don't know how but your demon spawn cheats, there is no way she can kick my ass at my own game"_

**Cordial Craig:** _"Emmett, how can accuse Renesemme of cheating, she is only a child"_

**Major Dover:** _"Bullsh*t,bullsh*t!, she does that freaky touch your face thing, it's creepy Edward, she is not a child, she is a cheater, cheater, cheater pumpkin eater!"_

**Voxy:** _And then the spawn starts to cry and Edward is pissed off again_

**Cordial Craig: **_"I hope you are happy Emmett, you have made poor Nessie cry, do you like to see your niece cry?"_

**Major Dover:** _"She shouldn't have cheated Edward, cheaters deserve to feel guilty and cry"_

**Voxy:**_ "Oh my lord Emmett, she beat you at a game of Candy Land, do you really feel the need to win at everything?"_

**Major Dover:** _"She f*cked me over at the gumdrop bridge Edward, she was on blue, ON BLUE!, and then when I turned around she was on red, ON RED EDWARD!"_

**Cordial Craig:** _Emmett gets so mad at this point, he tosses over the table that they were playing on, and the game pices fly everywhere_

**Major Dover: **_"Emmett, you truly are a sore loser"_

**Voxy:** _Emmett would teach the spawn how to piss off her own dad, like messing with his Cds and sh*t, oh it seriously piss of Edward to no end_

**Major Dover: **_"So spawn, here's how it's going to go down, when your dad goes out hunting, run up to his room and just f*ck around with his Cds, put them all out of order, you got that spawn?"_

**Voxy:** _Edward comes back, "Emmett, I sense there is something that is wrong around here"_

**Major Dover:** _"I think you been hitting the deers blood a little too hard Edward, there is nothing going on in here"_

**Cordial Craig: **_"Emmett...where is Nessie at?"_

**Voxy:**_ "I don't know, I don't keep track of your spawn Edward"_

**Major Dover:** _Edward goes apesh*t and frantically searches the house for Nessie, finally finds her in his bedroom_

**Voxy:** _"Oh, Nessie, I'm so glad you are safe, and...w-wait...why are all my CD's in a pile on the floor?"_

**Major Dover:** _From up above you hear "EMMETT, WHAT DID YOU TELL NESSIE TO DO?"_

**Cordial Craig:**_ Oh, you know Edward is mad as f*ck, "Emmett, how could you? Teaching my perfect daughter such horrible habits?"_

**Major Dover: **_"Well she got really angry when I tried to superglue her fingers together, so I told her to go f*ck with your CDs"_

**Voxy:** _You know Emmett does like the the most random things too, stuff any normal human or vampire wouldn't think of_

**Major Dover: **_Emmett texts Eddie "Yo, Edward, don't forget to bring the Vodka"_

**Voxy: **_"I thought we were going to Mcdonalds Emmett?"_

**Major Dover: **_"We are :)"_

**Cordial Craig: **_Haha, he would ask Rosalie the dumbest questions like "Can we hire a DJ to play while we have sex?"_

**Voxy:** _Lulz. Emmett and Jasper text each other like two tween girls_

**Major Dover:** _Emmett texts like "I'm at the bar with Edward right now, what should I do?"_

**Voxy:** _Jasper texts back "Humiliate him"_

**Cordial Craig: **_Rosalie would text Edward sh*t like "I love wearing low cut shirts to class, when I get bored ,I can look down and admire my breasts"_

**Voxy:** _Alices text would sound like "Today, the weather will be nice enough for you to stalk Bella to class, and Emmett is going to try to shank your pants again"_

**Major Dover:** _Oh lord, I fell off my chair laughing, what kind of phone do you think Edward owns?_

**Cordial Craig:** _a VIRGIN mobile._

**Voxy:** _Ha, BAZINGA! Could you imagine Edward and Emmett having to hunt together?_

**Major Dover:** _It would probably end in Edward running away in tears and locking himself up in room for a week or so._

**Cordial Craig:** _Emmett is THE MAN, he is like the frat boy of the Cullen House and Jasper is his loyal sidekick._

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Authors Note: We are not Stephenie Meyer

Ready for part 4? soon my kiddies, soon

Cia `**Major Dover,Voxy,Cordial Craig**


	4. Vampire Angst

Voxy, Cordial Craig and Major Dover present Comedy Roast of the Twilight Saga: Part 4

...

**Voxy: **_You know that fight scene in Eclispe was pretty badass, they were going all Jackie Chan kung-fu on those newbie vampires_

**Major Dover: **_Hah, I can hear Emmett now, "All my training on Call of Duty has lead up to this, lets go beat some vampire noob ass!"_

**Voxy: **_"Gear on, armor up, let's do this, LLLLEERRROOOYYYYYYY JEEENNKIIINNNNSSSS!"_

**Cordial Craig:** _Of course, Edward didn't fight, he had to project Bella, just in case she tripped and like somehow impaled herself with a twig_

**Voxy:** _Bella is pretty accident prone, I mean she could be doing homework and stabs herself with a pitchfork, because she just attracts weird sh*t like that_

**Major Dover:** _Haha, Edward would totally wrap Bella in bubble wrap if he could get away with it_

**Voxy: **_Yea he would try to hold Bella down and wrap her in it like "shhhssshhh, it's ok Bella, it's for your own protection, it will all be over soon"_

**Cordial Craig:** _Why do you think Bela is so attracted to Edward in the first place? He looks like a creeper, like Pedoward._

**Voxy:** _Cause he is a vampire duuuhhh, he's all sparkly and sh*t. And he owns a volvo, what's not to love? (insert vomit here)_

**Major Dover:**_ I bet you Emmett asked Bella the same question like "Why do you like Wardo? He is kinda a flamer, if you know what I mean"_

**Voxy:** _Bella would blush, mumble and stumble around until Emmett was even embarrassed for her_

**Cordial Craig:** _Like "Ok, sorry I asked, your not going to cut yourself now are you? Your not a cutter right? Cause,well,that ain't goona fly with Wardo"_

**Voxy:** _Irrooonnnniiiicccccc_

**Major Dover: **_Do you think Edward ever tried out for a sport those 5500 something years he was in school_

**Voxy:** _If he did, he would probably like golf or tennis or some gay sh*t like that._

**Major Dover:** _Emmett would play like hardcore football, whilst Edward was listening to Snow Patrol while smacking balls around, you know, tennis_.

**Cordial Craig:** "I play tennis because it is relaxing Emmett, so much unlike football, which is very dangerous, and I do not feel comfortable with men smacking my gluttons"

**Voxy: **_"Just say ass Edward, it's ok" Lulz._

**Major Dover: **_I see could Edward golfing too, with like horrid plaid golfer pants and a gay polo._

**Voxy: **_"I must focus, be the ball, be the ball, focus, foocus, foocccuuuusss...EMMETT I CAN HEAR YOU BEHIND THOSE BUSHES!"_

**Cordial Craig: **_"I do not appreciate you making innapproiate nosies whilst I try to hit my golf ball"_

**Major Dover:** _"That's not the only balls you hit huh Edward?"_

**Voxy:** _"I'm not a homosexual Emmett, just because I like to dress nicely, and not look like a gorilla, like you, Emmett, yes, you look like a hairy gorilla"_

**Major Dover:** _Edward comes home from a relaxing day of golfing, finds Emmett browsing the computer._

**Voxy:** _"Emmett, I do hope you are not looking at that filth you call porn"_

**Cordial Craig:** _"Duudee, Eddie, did you know they sell midgets on Ebay?"_

**Voxy:**_ Edward is not amused. Goes off to play some gay piano._

**Major Dover: **_"Hey Rose, babe, whadda think about buying a midget?"_

_..._

_We are not the author of Twilight. _

_More to come soon_

_Cia~ **Major Dover, Voxy and Cordial Craig**_


	5. Beautiful Wedding Sexy Time

**Autthors note:** Hey guys, long time no see, ready for jokes about obessive fangirls and glittertits? You bet your sparkling asses you are!  
We are back, and we can just the hear the fan girls screaming now. We now present our next part in roasting the Twilight Saga

Enjoy my little fangbangers

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

**Voxy:** _I'd like to videotape Edward and Bellas wedding...it would be so awesome_

**Cordial Craig:** _Yea, it would beautiful, Edward losing his v-card and sh*_t.

**Major dover:** _Bet you anything he cries after he has THE SEX with Bella_

**Voxy:** _Ha, yea he's like "Oh Bella, oh Bella, my Bella, i'm so happy_ _this day has come, we must claim our love to the world!"_

**Major dover:** _She's just like "tits or GTFO Edward."_

**cordial Craig:** _Haha yea "But this is a special night, we get give each other_ _our precious gifts..it will be beautiful"_

**Voxy:** _He lights candles and goes all out for the night, puts on some f*cking_ _Barry Mannilow and Micheal bolton_

**Major Dover:** _But Edward doesn't know emmett changed all his sexy CDs with_ _Usher and Ludacris.._

**voxy:** _ahaaa, Edward starts to slowly take of his shirt, to reveal the sparkles underneath it...does a little strip tease for Bella who is just sitting there flipping over movie channel because Edward is taking forever with his clothes_

**Major Dover:** _I can tell she would be thinking "Godflabbit Edward stop being_ _a girl and just take the damn pants off, this isnt a TLC movie_"

**cordial Craig:** _"Bella darling, come to bed so we can stare at each others beautiful naked bodies"_

**Major dover:** _He would just wind up staring at his own, enchanted by is own beauty, like "Oh lord, look at how my skin sparkles, I am a wonderful creature!"_

**voxy:** _After like 4 ours of being a cocktease, he finally manages to get s_tarted, _haha he probably sings in her ear_

**Major dover:** _"Oh Bella, you are my lovvveeeeee, myyy looovvveee_,,,, _MYYYY LOOVVVEEEEE" starts screaming in her_ _ear "MY LOOVVEEEEE!"_

**Voxy:** _Bella has to push his face away like "Dude, chill the f*ck out and just get top of me"_

**cordial Craig:** _Yea, he finally gets his discostick in motion, after he has sexy time, he thinks he did so well, like "Oh Bella that was beautiful, so lovely, now I must go cry for three hours"_

**Voxy:** _Bella just lays there like "What the hell...was that it?"_

**Major dover:** _She hears Owl city coming from the_ _bathroom and Edwards sobs mixing with it. "I".HAPPY SOOOOOO HAPPPYYY!"_  
_voxy: He manages to come out all teary eyed and happy, gets on the bed and cuddles with Bella, snifing her hair and sighing '_

**Major Dover:** _"Bella my sweet, now we belong to each other for ever and ever and ever and ever...""_

**Voxy:** _He then goes to the nearest window and just screams_ _"I JUST HAD SEX WITh BELLA AND IT WAS GREAT!"_

**cordial dover:** _Ha, Bella is thinking "Oh sh*t"_

**Voxy:** _"And ever and ever and ever"_

**cordial Craig:** _And then BAM, Bellas eggo is preggo_

**Major Dover:** _Oh I wonder what was going through Edwards head? something_ _like "A baby? no...no baby..no baby...NO BABY DAMMIT_!"

**voxy:** _Probably has Bella get every medical test known to man_

**Major Dover:** _"I've taken 34 pregancy tests Edward,they've all come out postive, dammit I'm preganant!"_

**Voxy:** _Edward is like "Just pee on the stick one time...just to be sure!"_

**cordial Craig:** _So does that mean Bella can be on Teen Mom: I got Pregnant_ By a Vampire?

**Voxy:** _It would be a great show, Edward carting around the bloodsucker_ _singing show tunes, the baby trying to rip out Bellas throat_

::::::::::::::::::::::

sorry it was so short, but we are all college kids now, so not alot of time to bash Twilight. :)

Look forward to our next part coming soon

Cherrio my lovely little vampires


	6. All Hail Jeebus Edward

**Herrroooo! It's Major Dover...with a special addition of the comedy roast of the Twilight Saga.**

**We did our research and found a religion based on Twilight! Oh the Lulz to be had!**

**Enjoy my little tampons :)**

**::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::**

**Voxy:** C_ullenism, the one religion in the entire world that worships glittery and pedo vampires._

**Major Dover: **_Ah, I can picture it, getting up on a Sunday morning, dressing in your best outfit from hot topic, your "I heart Edward Cullen" tee shirt. Your ripped pants and your converse shoes. Smearing your eyeliner so you resemble a f*cking raccoon and teasing your hair so high it gets caught in your ceiling fan._

**Voxy: **_"BUT MOOOMMMM, THIS IS LIEK HOW ALL THE GURLS DRESS UP, WE WIRSHOIP EDWARD AND EMMETT CUZ THEY R LIKE HAAWWWTT, WE MUST PLZ THE GOD STEPEHNIE MEYER!"_

**Cordial Craig:** _Yes, they have cardboar cut outs of all the vampires, and kneel before them asking for immoratality, "Oh all hail thee sparkling vampires, may we be blessed with Emmetts abs and Edwards greasy mussed up hair"_

**Major Dover: **_They must have a hidden church out there somehwere, just in the woods, out of sight, I bet its decked out with like all stuff from hot tpoic, all the twilight posters, merchendise, whatever the hell they could get their hands on._

**Cordial Craig:** _It's all decked out in black and red, the 13 year old followers have the cloaks from the new moon movie, god, what a scary image_

**Voxy: **_You know, they probably have a sixth sense, so if like a jacob fan or harry potter fan came in they would go batsh*t chasing them around with baseball bats_

**Major Dover: **_"GGAHAAHAHAAHAHAAAA! A Jacob FAN! GET HIM AND RAPE HIM!"_

**Cordial Craig:** _"WE MUST KEEP OUR CHURCH FREE OF THIS FILTH, THIS IS A PLACE OF SPARKLING BUSINESS"_

**vOxy:** _The followers are only allowed to drink red liquids, like Red pop, cherry kool aid...water that has a used tampon as teabag for some of the more hardcore fans...what?...it could happen.._

**Major Dover: **_What if they sacrifice poor animals? Offerings to please Edward and his clan._

**Voxy: **_"I read somewhere Edward likes mountian lions the best, but I couldnt catch one so I just decided to use Fluffy, my neighbors cat, we will sacrifice him to please Jeebus Cullen"_

**Cordial Craig:** And they buy hard copies of all the books and set them at the top of their alter, shine them and sh*t, pour glitter on them, make it all official.

**Voxy: **_"Today, fellow followers, we will read a passage from New Moon, chapter 3, and we will discuss what it means, and then at 3 p.m we will search the woods for any sign of vampires, because its rumored Emmett has been hunting around here"_

**Major Dover:** _"Perhaps I shall leave Mr. Snuffles, my dog, tied to a tree to please Emmett, I'm sure he will find him delicious"_

**Voxy:** _They spend a good hour worhsipping the hack Stephenie Meyer, and going on to te internetz and bashing anti-twilighters._

**Cordial Craig:** _"All you anti-believers will be banished to James Cave muahahahahaahahaaaaaa!"_

**Major Dover:** _Seriously James's Cave? The hell that's suppose to be bad? I'd tip over a Starbucks just to be trapped in a cave with him._

**Voxy: **_But if your good, you get to spend enternity with the Cullens, holy f*cktits really? What I've always wanted as an afterlife, spending it with a pedo vampire, his awkward bride and their family. God yes!_

**Major Dover:** _Have fun with that, I'll be in the cave with James, making mudpies...and loud noises_

**Cordial Craig: **_I'll be in the back of cave, chatting with Stephen King and JK Rowling._

**Voxy: **_You know all the followers try to go around and convert others, like f*cking mormons. Except for, I like mormons, I'd just set the Cullen twats on fire._

**MAjor Dover: **_"Hi, have you heard about Cullenism?"...THE F*CK IS THAT? ARE YOU RETARDED? GO PLAY IN TRAFFIC, NO I DON'T WANT YOUR SH*TTY BOOKS, NO EDWARD IS NOT GOD, DEAR LORD...HERE IS A MATCH, SET YOURSELF ON FIRE_

**Cordial Craig:** _Their fanbase is 13 year olds with braces and zits, the other 2% is twi-moms and 16 year olds without boyfriends.,...or future life goals_

**Voxy:** _Oh, gosh, you know what? They probably makeout with cardboard cutouts, and have kinky sex tantra or something._

**Major Dover:** _0.o I'd like to NEVER see that. That would be up there with 2 girls 1cup_

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Oh yes, we did go there!

I love you all my special fans, thanks for reading our bashing :)

More to come of course.

Cia


	7. We Slap Sparkles Outta Bitches

We are back, fuck yea! Yes, we have more bashing of Twilight, you didn't think we were done did you? Nooooo, since the Breaking shit...er...Dawn movie is going to be gracing the theaters, we thought we would take some time and bash the living fucking sparkles out of it! LULZ!

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**Major Dover:** _Well. Fuck. Breaking Shit is coming to a theater near you._

**Voxy:** _I'll be_ _sure to go to the midnight premiere dressed as Harry Potter, troll the fuck out of the movie._

**Major Dover:** _If a fangirl yells at you just pull out your wand and shout "AVADA_ _KEDARVA!"_

**Cordial Craig:** _The movie will be super intense with all the girls having orgasms as they watch Sparkletits marry Bella. Bahahaahahahaaaa, he finally gets to poke her with his disco stick._

**Major Dover:** _It will be like having sex with a frozen sausage_

**Voxy:** _Oh, the birth scene will be full of LULZ, Bella looks like shit in the_ _trailer, carrying that demon spawn._

**Major Dover:** _Bella doesnt need to push that spawn out, it will just_ _fucking come out when it damn well pleases_

**Voxy;** _That spawn rules Bella, it doenst give a shit if Bella needs to eat, it_ _wants fucking blood_

**Cordial Craig:** _The spawn is the Chuck Norris of Twilight, it just does whatever the fuck_ _it wants_

**Voxy:** _So Sam gets butthurt when he hears about Bella carrying the spawn?_

**Major Dover:** _Yea, he thinks it will threaten the pack lulz, a little demon spawn running around with its rattle pulling on the ears of the wolves_

**Voxy:** _I would just punt the little bastard over the hills. Is halfsparklepire it_ _wouldn hurt it._

**cordial Craig:** _and of course Pedowolf gets all goo goo eyes at the rancid_ _little demon_

**VoXy:"**_OH MY GAWD, EVEN THOUGH YOU'RE A BABY I LUVVV YOU, WE BE TOGETHER FOREVER_!"

**Major Dover:** _Charlie is the cheif of police, how can he allow pedowolf to do the_ _nasty with the spawn?_

**voxy:** _His sexy mustache and shit._

**Cordial Craig:** _He drives around town and blares the_ _siren, just to fuck around with the teenagers_

**Major Dover:** _He yells random stuff at people as he drives by like "better_ _not fuck with this police office saarrrr"_

**Voxy:** _Baha, Bella texts him, 'Dad where are you? you're not out trying to hit_ _on Jacob again are you?"_

**Major Dover:** _He just sits there looking at the text and thinks "God damn woman_, _you are the herpes of drunk texting, you never go away"_

**Cordial Craig:** _He spends at least an hour combing his mustache._

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::;::::::::::::

So, voxy and I got a little shitfaced after our college class, so our drunk asses decided to role play Emmet and Edward. After proofreading what we wrote and editing (sober)we came up with this gem.

Oue english professor would be proud.

now sit the fuck down and enjoy.

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

**Voxy:** _Fuck it, lets roleplay this shit_

**Major Dover:** _I'll be Edward, "Bella_ _my love we must write our own vows for the wedding, it will be so magical"_

**Voxy:** "_Cmon Edward, dont do this pansy ass shit, I just want to have sex with you"_

**Major Dover:** _"Bella, my love, your eyes sparkle like a thousand stars, your_ _pALe skin is more luminous than the fair moon"_

**Voxy:** _"EDWARD CUT THAT SHIT OUT"_

**Major Dover:** _"YOU SHUT THAT FILTHY MOUTH OF YOURS EMMETT, ME AND_ _BELLA ARE CONFESSING OUR LOVE_ _FOR ONE ANOTHER!"_

**Voxy:**_ "YOUR SUCH A COCKTEASE WARDO, YOU GIVE BELLA BLUE BALLS!"_

**Major Dover:** _"EMMETT YOU ARE JUST MAD BECAUSE YOU HAVENT TAKEN YOUR MEDICATED_ _INTAKE OF STEROIDS TODAY!"_

**Voxy:"**_I WILL BITCH SLAP THE SPARKLES OUT OF YOU WARDO!"_

**Major Dover:** _Then Emmett comes at him like a bull and pins him to the ground_

**Voxy:** _"Emmet, YOU GODDAMN BEAR_,_get off me, you are ruining my perfectly messy hair!"_

**Major Dover:** "_YOU SPARKLE BITCH,I WILL END YOU"_

**Voxy:** "_EMMETT GET OFF!...MOM MOM MOM MOM MOM!"_

**Major Dover:** "_HAHAHAH MOMMA CANT SAVE YOU NOW YOU MONKEYSUCK!"_

**Voxy:** _Bella is jus_ _standing there, awkwardish,like "Uh...um...well fuck"_

**Major Dover:** _She just watches Emmett and Edward wrestle...and Emmett sits on Edwards_ _face ands lets out a massive fart_

**Voxy:** _"EMMETT DEAR LORD...OH...OH...MY..WHAT_ _THE...THE SMELL...IT BURNS...OH MY GOD!"_

**Major Dover:** _"BAHHAAHHAAH DID YOU SMELL THAT EDDIE?ITS THE BEAUTIFUL SMELL OF VICTORY!"_

**Voxy:** _Hahah, I can see Edward coming to emmett for sexual_ advice. _Like, "I need to know how to please Bella"_

**Major Dover:** _Emmett just falls on the floor laughing while Edward stands there like fuck my life_

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	8. To Ze Readers!

**To Our Devoted Readers:**

We decided to take the time and let all of you know how much we really appreciate our readers. You guys have made this really fun. We deeply appreciate your reviews and feedback. This was only suppose to be one chapter but the reaction we got was so great we decide to do more. Thank you all very much!

**To Our Devoted Haters:**

Haters gonna hate. Toodaloo Mutha Fuccckkkkaaaass

But seriously, if you hate it, review and tell us how much you hate it. :D

**Love, with much sexual feeling, **

Voxy, Major Dover and that asshat Cordial Craig.


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